Everything I Needed to Know about Public Speaking I learned at AAR

(The concern of quality communication at AAR/SBL has already been amply and earnestly discussed, amongst other places, here and here. Part of me suspects that the reason the poorly presented papers outnumbered the very well presented ones during my first AAR experience has something to do with many of the most accomplished and established scholars and teachers simply not having the time to attend sessions because they hasten from meeting to meeting. The input of an older, more experienced mentor might have gone a long way towards helping some of the most visibly anxious young presenters along. As a first time attender with no presentation track-record, the actual evidence is all I've got to go by.)

Everything I Needed to Know About Public Speaking I Learned at AAR:

1. Rest assured that the AAR's motto for speakers -- "Be brief, be witty, be seated"-- only applies to those with less scholarly papers to present and less profound insight to convey. Feel free to exceed your assigned time-slot by 20-30 minutes, especially if you are able to fill these with mindnumbing detail about a highly technical issue which aside from you no one either understands or cares about.
   
   One caveat: Should the speaker preceding you have gone over his/her allotted time, you are honor-bound to exceed your time by at least as much as he/she has done -- think of it as a way of demonstrating your presentational prowess.
   
   
2. If you for some reason you should be unwilling or unable to exceed your pre-arranged presentation slot -- say, because you find yourself incapable of resisting the hateful glares and watch-tapping gestures the section chair launches into your direction -- be certain to at least speak as fast as humanly possible.
   
   Keep in mind that you have the responsibility to educate your audience in more ways than one: Large international conferences are bound to have a sizeable number of non-native speakers in their audience. Not only will they admire your 1337 3ng1ish 5ki11z, but by forcing them to keep pace with your 150mph presentation speed, you will ensure that they will feel challenged linguistically as well as intellectually.
   
   To further allow your audience to focus on the content of your presentation rather than the distractions of your physical presence, be sure to avoid eye-contact and vocal inflections -- in fact, your best bet that the information is being properly transmitted is to keep your eyes glued to the page (you won't miss even the most minute detail!), your voice monotone and to sprinkle your presentation with a generous helping of jargon.
   
   
3. If you are the type to enjoy instant gratification -- and, really, who amongst us doesn't? -- consider a possible alternative to the tried and true sonorous soliloquy: The stand-up presentation. This approach will work best for presenters active in fields that lend themselves to commenting on inflammatory or at least controversial issues. Political theologians thus have a natural advantage, although other fields may find this approach useful as well, as long as they are prepared to speak on an issue that will cause others to foam at the mouth with passion (e.g. inerrancy and historicity of the bible).
   
   The successful presenter will proceed to pick a side of the issue and seek to convey that there is no doubt in his/her ample mind that those disagreeing with his/her opinion are intellectually beneath contempt. Consider your presentation a winner if a brawl breaks out -- be sure to include studying a floor-plan of the location with emergency exits clearly marked as part of your preparation.
   
   Tip: For ease of use, instant cultural relevance, and maximum effect, consider salting your presentation with quips from Saturday Night Life, The Daily Show or Rush Limbaugh's latest broadcast.
   
   
4. Avoid using any kind of visual tools with which to illustrate your message -- no slides, hand-outs, powerpoint, etc. -- especially if your presentation contains gobs of statistical data and/or lengthy quotes. Not only do visual tools add to your preparatory work, they also spoil your audience. Ask yourself: In a culture as visually oversaturated and technologically over-stimulated, what could be purer and more academically rigorous than a presentation devoid of such gimmicks?
   
   Glazed looks on the part of your listeners during your in-depth description of a three-dimensional graph key to your presentation's argument are merely an indication of their eager minds at work. Should you receive complaints, comfort yourself with the realization that the whiners are clearly not up to your scholarly caliber.
   
   
5. At the conclusion of your presentation, your session chair will announce an obligatory 3-5 minutes for you to answer questions. Keep in mind that questions imply that your presentation has somehow fallen short -- you've either left someone room for disagreement (a grievous sin!) or failed to present the entirety of the data relevant to your topic.
   
   While success is never guaranteed, heeding the aforementioned bits of advice should ensure at least a full minute of awkward silence at the conclusion of your presentation. Relish it -- and make sure to convey through your body language that you are prepared to stand behind the lectern as long as necessary.
   
   By no means should you have a starter question prepared with which to ease your audience into the Q&A period! Instead, allow your listeners to simmer in the delicious gravy of academic jargon and informational rapid-fire with which you've just presented them. Here, too, you will reap the benefit of having gone well over your originally scheduled speech-length: Even the most enthusiastic session chair will be happy to wave you back to your seat without further ado if you've been "up" for 30+ minutes.
   
   
6. Academia is a harsh mistress, and at times you will not be able to avoid taking questions about your presentation entirely: Some pesky brownnoser may be seeking to highlight his/her own wisdom, or a grad student -- still green behind the ears -- may be insufficiently familiar with conference protocol to realize that silence ought to be his/her wisdom during Q&A: His/her time as presenter will come soon enough.
   
   Thus, when you -- as statistically speaking most presenters do at some point in their lives -- receive a question, be sure to avoid providing helpful information at all cost. Indeed, if you have done your job at least rudimentarily, you should be convinced that your research has nothing to gain from the input of your colleagues. Be sure to avoid repeating questions, even and especially if they are whispered to you from the front row: As long as you, the protagonist, are aware what's being asked of you, the rest of the audience should be content to infer the original question from your eventual answer.
   
   Furthermore, be sure to re-iterate your main thesis in response to each and every question -- that is, after all, what you want your audience to remember about your presentation, not the pesky challenges or so-called "suggestions" that some non-presenter might try to lob at you. You will soon discover that showing this kind of focus will also serve to discourage additional questions -- after you've astutely re-stated your main point in complete disregard of the question at hand, you will be able to observe with pleasure any number of raised hands sinking back into the laps of audience members.
   
   
7. Eventually, your presentation will be over and you'll have braved the Q&A session with minimal concessions: Pat yourself on the back for a job well done! Note, however, that the valuable part of the session is now over. If at all possible, arrange to leave at this point -- perhaps by mumbling an excuse along the lines of an impending flight or the need to share your scintillating knowledge in another locale. Should clearing out prove impossible, enjoy the remainder of the session as much as possible by handling overdue correspondence, taking an on-the-spot nap (... a particularly attractive option if you've mastered the art of dozing with your head resting on your hands, giving the appearance of rapt attentiveness or being lost in deep thought.)
   
   Make sure to nevertheless keep an attentive eye on the clock: You'll be prepared to beat a path to the door as soon as the end of the session has arrived, avoiding the throng of audience members that will no doubt attempt to make a bee-line for you, the star of the session. This way, you'll be able to live long and prosper as a scholar and presenter and succeed in conserving your energies for next year's convention -- an invitation to which is sure to reach you in due time!